{ask gem} unconscious fear in relationship

ask-gem

 

Many of my friends, family, and clients are going through tough times in relationship and have been asking me {informally} about relationships. Here’s what I’ve been sharing :: 

Most of us are governed by unconscious fears.

Two basic fears emerge from early life that can devastate our intimate relationships ::

Fear of overwhelm emerges from feeling small in a world that is big & powerful. From this we develop coping strategies like becoming over-accommodating to the needs, desires, and will of others. We avoid the messiness of life and we become passive.

Fear of abandonment emerges from feeling like we were not treated with tenderness & care. From this we develop coping strategies like trying to gain control of others, avoiding intimacy and vulnerable situations, desperately searching for reassurance, trying to create connection with force, and developing patterns of co-dependency.

Of all the difficulties we face as we adventure through life, the greatest obstacles to overcome will be ones we don’t know are there.

Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Here are some strategies for starting the process ::

  1. Make the unconscious conscious
  2. Heal the wounds you uncover
  3. Develop a new way of being
  4. Develop a healthy connection to your instinct & intuition, allowing them to guide you
  5. Discover & hold onto your purest truth

Often the people we are in relationships with are also governed by fear. Re-read the two basic fears with them in mind. Anything sound familiar?

If we see the person we are in relationship with as being under the influence of fear, we are less likely to see them as insensitive monsters, and we are more likely to disengage from harmful cycles of conflict.

Try looking for the frightened child within them {and you}.

It’s fear that divides us. Our purest nature desires connection.

Love,

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